Merry Christmas, I hope each and every one of you have a holiday season filled with happiness and joy. I know many of you are sad and mourning the loss of your loved one. I have seen people loss someone before the holidays, not that it's ever easy, but it's especially hard during the holidays. I hope you can remember all the holiday's you did have them and how much fun you had.

I remember the Christmas' at my Grandmothers house. We had a kids table where we all sat at, what a great idea. There was three of us kids and we had three cousins very similar in ages. They always made this white chocolate with almonds in it, I think you would call it bark, but I ate it every Christmas and I got sick every year! You would think I would learn.

I too have some memories that can never be replaced. I remember before my brothers accident, before the head injury. My mother made some memorable meals, I still remember the apple rings, I really loved them. I hated it that she would put cut up turkey liver in the dressing and they made me eat things I didn't like. Cabbage salad, YUCK!

I have two brothers, we fought all the time just like my kids do now. I wish I could have him back, it's just not the same anymore. I barely see my parents at holiday's and this year I won't have my kids for any of the holidays, I work all of them. I do wish I could of gotten them more it's one of the leanest Christmas' ever. They were happy with what they did get. I know that they will have a blast at their dad's, he's getting them a WII, I'm glad I won't be there to listen to them argue, that's exactly what they will be doing.

In closing I want to wish you all the best holiday season ever!

I stare at the empty space where someone once was, how strange. It feels all so empty inside. People come and go, memories fade. It is up to us to remember the ones that pass before us.

I remember the first time I lost someone close to me. It was my brother in-law, he had a brain aneurism rupture. I remember the frantic phone call in the middle of the night. "L just had a stroke." It was so much worst. I had one on their kids at our house, I forget now which one now.

We watched him wither away before out eyes, they did surgery, it was pointless. There was too much blood, it collapsed his blood flow to his brain and was then considered brain dead.

I remember afterward the strangest thing was it felt like he was never there. Stranger still--he predicted his own death. Really! He told us he had a dream he died and was at his own funeral, It scared the hell out of him.

I remember asking. "How old were the kids?"

"They were young." he said. He was right too it wasn't too much later that he indeed was dead!

This put into my mind the thought. Do people sometimes really know that they are dying? You don't see it all the time, but it happens. I seen it recently and I heard it again last night. Rankings of a confused person? Maybe.

Death

Tonight I watched someone dying, yes she is still alive, but barely. To think it was only a week ago, she was fine.

I gave her white cheddar popcorn her favorite, she reminded me afterward she didn't have her teeth in, she ate it without them. She has a great sense of humor, she joked one time, she told me when I transfered her. "You broke my rib."

"What!" I said. I started to laugh, I couldn't help myself.

Her response. "Gotcha," She laughed.

It is so nice to see a family there, one of them said they couldn't imagine her dying alone. It isn't easy to watch, imagine it was one of your family members. Nursing home workers get bashed all the time, people think we are uncaring and mean. That's not true we do care! Don't judge us all by the ones that are bad. I know it's hard sometimes, your patience is pushed to the limits. You see death become routine, it's sad, but part of out life cycle.

In closing I will say hug your family and friends, squeeze them tight, who knows how long we will have them. Remember, just last week;;;

Reconnecting

Nick and I reconnected in a big way today at last. I have been denying myself that which I need most. I have been wondering if it was even still there, feelings we all have. Move your relationship that is yet still quite new and move it to another more meaningful level. I have been pushing him to the max, pushing him away even. Why? My internal struggle going back to my safe place, I don't need anyone, pushing anyone away that tries to get close. I have distanced myself from everyone around me, I can't imagine how I must have made him feel, I know I would of been very distraught if he did that to me. Yelling at him for no reason, letting all the pressures get to me so much that I have made everyone in this house miserable. The only person that was truly miserable was me, he tried talking to me to no avail. It was something I was struggling with all along. I didn't understand it, where was it even coming from? Hormonal maybe? Excuse? Yes, it was an excuse to treat people who I love like I would never want to be treated. Nick and I have been together for 8 months, we have had everything thrown at us in that time. I love and support him always, I just forgot how much I really loved him. We found each other again, this time I'll make sure we don't lose our way.

Sleep eludes me

Sleep eludes me, maybe my alzheimer residents are rubbing off on me. Yikes! No kidding they don't sleep,one in particular wanders all night long. I wonder if it's the Alzheimer's or sleep depravation that is the problem. Two hours a night are you kidding me? I love 3rd shift I do, but that too has it's problems. Alarms going off relentlessly, trips to the bathroom. Don't forget the ones that put on lights for dumb things, straightening their blanket. are you serious?? I'm so sorry miss so and so that you fell because I had to straighten a fricken blanket! When you get old you have no rights, they tell you they do, but not really. How can you let someone walk when they can't. Your unappreciated, are called names, hit, kicked, you get the picture. That's why they say working in a nursing home is the worst stress job there is. I was walking the halls looking at the portraits, none of them were smiling. Old people still smile, it may be far and few, but still do. I love and care for my residents and care for them to the best of my ability. My only hope is my smiling face can bring them some joy if, but only for a minute, at a time.

Dreams and insanity

I had a dream the other day, I had a black kitten in my car for Nick. I told him, but told him I wasn't going to show it to him. He was excited like a child begging me to show it to him. Then my dream changed to a spider had made a web, you know the ones where they make a stream of web, the ones you always walk into because you can't see them. It was in my bedroom, but my daughters bed was in my room too for some reason. I knocked down the webs or I think I got them all. I woke up and never gave it much more thought. Later that night I was telling Nick about my dream. He told me about a dream he had where he had a black kitten, he had to constantly protect in by holding it in his lap because someone was trying to kill it. Can we say Misty? Later that same night Misty was looking up on the wall and sure enough there was a huge spider climbing on the wall. Weird or what?? Of course Nick being the man he is,,,I killed the spider.

For those that don't know it, I work at a nursing home. I recently switched to 3rd shift, it makes for interesting writing let me tell you. Have you ever heard of sundowners? That's where once the sun goes down they become active real active, don't sleep. Okay sorry I'm censoring myself. That's when the crazies come out, there that's better. The sun doesn't have to be down yet, some start at 2:30 in the afternoon and get steadily worst. They are all ready for us when we come to work. There is at least three to four up still. Friday night seemed like a full moon. Watching them wheel themselves back and forth with deranged thoughts. I often wonder if it's a nursing home or insane asylum?

Friday night we had a curious conversation about what else, ghosts. In the middle of the night at the nursing home, bed alarms go off. I go to check them and the person hasn't even moved or sometimes even in the room. One was a lap belt alarm resident was in her bed, wheel chair wasn't by the bed. One of my coworkers said she didn't want to talk about it again. One of the girls had to go into a room where an alarm kept going off, one was a sensor alarm where someone would have to cross for it to go off. She didn't want to go in the room by herself. I think they do see people we can't, I see residents looking up on the ceiling like they do see something, I always ask, what do you see up there, but I couldn't understand what she said, figures. I want to know, maybe I just have a curious mind. Wouldn't you want to know??

Darkness within

Try as I might I often hurt people that I love. I'm a very real person more real than most think I should be. This is me, I have been through some very hard roads, looking forward it will not be much better. I struggle everyday to do the things I have to. One thing is I have completely withdrawn myself from the people I care about. I can't help it, I need to do it better that than say something out of anger. I barely have time to write, something I need to change. Writing is an escape for me I need to have time to do it. I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!